A Place of Anger and Cursing

Internet Explorer: Worse than Meets the Eye

2009-07-05T12:13:00.000-07:00

I suppose it serves me right for having it as my OS, but fuck Windows and its piece of shit Internet Explorer. I know I've probably already made myself pretty clear about where I stand when it comes to IE, but here I go again.

When I turned my computer on, I saw there were new Windows updates. I thought, "Oh, it's probably something security related that I should let download," so I clicked it and checked what the update was.

"Internet Explorer 8" ...

That, of course, pissed me off. If I fucking wanted to update my IE I would have done so myself, but there's a reason I never have: I don't use the piece of shit. Every attempt I've made recently at opening it has ended quickly with the program crashing to a halt and ceasing to respond. I think I'll just use what works (a.k.a. Pretty much anything but I.E.; I use Firefox myself).

However, the icing on the cake and the reason I bothered writing about this is what I'm about to show you (too big for my shittily-sized template, sorry):

Excuse me? Thanks for the assumption, Internet Explorer, you pushy cunt, but no. The fact that they even said that is somewhat astounding to me. Just because I'm running your fucking OS doesn't mean I want your failed abortion of a browser - I'd rather shove a toilet brush down my dickhole. Now, I don't know that much about I.E. 8, so perhaps they fixed a lot of the issues, but even that wouldn't be enough. I've learned not to trust these bastards and you should too.

Fact: Internet Explorer is a pretentious little shit that doesn't realize when it's not wanted.

If you don't reprimand your kids; I will, you pansies.

2009-03-30T17:44:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure where to even start on this one. I guess I'd have to begin with this: Fuck Fox news. They've proved themselves, time and time again, that they're incapable of unbiased "reporting" (and I use that term loosely as you can see). Dumb Dispatcher? No, actually; this guy's got balls (and balls with a sense of humor at that): something people seem to be lacking immensely these days. The man's a lone hero in a land of bored dispatchers sitting around all day, half the time answering retarded and unnecessary 911 calls as opposed to people who are actually in need of police assistance.

"Oh, BOO HOO! I can't control my fat-ass, twelve year old, snobby little blob of shit that is my child. SEND REINFORCEMENTS!" Shut up, you aging whore. This guy didn't just sit there and take it up the ass from this idiot; he shoveled her shit right back onto her lap with a dash of wit.

Who the fuck seriously calls the cops because they "can't control their kid"? Are you that much of a pushover that you're no match for something you forced out of your vagina and raised? If you let that revolting mass of flesh outgrow you, then it's your own damn fault, so stop calling the cops and getting pissed when they treat you accordingly to your idiocy.

If I ever had a kid that tried to act like the boss of the world, I'd deck that little fuck in its mouth, knocking its two front teeth out and onto the dirty floor. And the next time the kid would ask me "What am I getting for Christmas?" I'd reply with, "Go look for your teeth in the carpet where I laid you the fuck out. That's your present, you parasite."

When I was a kid, I once copped an attitude with my mother and said something along the lines of "If you try to make me do anything I'll kill you with this!" (this was a plastic sword). She ripped that thing out of my hand and beat the fuck out of me with it. And you know what? I'm glad she did. You think I ever tried that shit again after that? Last time I ever needed to get my shit sorted out.

Fact: Screw all those anti "child abuse" laws; if we're going to raise a generation that doesn't act like bratty wannabe-aristocratic cunts, we've got to start smacking some sense into the ones that need it.

My dog is not right.

2009-03-15T14:18:00.000-07:00

My dog is a dirty piece of shit. It always smells like a rotting corpse's asshole sprinkled with powdered orangutan piss, so I decided to put myself in harm’s way and give the filthy bitch a bath. After a few minutes of trying to coax the dog to get in the fucking tub and it trying to run away, I finally just put a towel over it to buffer my clothes and I from its disgusting body, picked it up, and put it in the bath. It looked like it was about to abandon ship, but I alpha-male-stared it in the eyes and it probably shit in the water as a result, but I couldn't really tell because it was brown already.

I shampooed the dog and washed its horribly dirty fur out until I'd had enough. I gave it the go-ahead and let it out of the bath (there was a reservoir of dirt left behind from the dog). For some reason, I always forget that crucial thing dogs do when they're wet. I was soon reminded of it by the sound of violent shaking and the sudden ocean-mist of dog-water ALL FUCKING OVER ME and the rest of the bathroom. I recovered after a few moments of cursing and despair and toweled the dog as well as I could to prevent further water attacks on the rest of the house and anyone else unfortunate enough to cross its path on that day. And so that was that.

So today I let the dog outside and went upstairs to play CoD4. A few hours later, I came downstairs to devour my kitchen and saw the dog at the door wanting to get back in. The first thing I noticed was something in the background. I looked more closely and saw that it was the hind leg of some animal, half devoured and covered in flies [I often find skull caps, vertebrates, and other assorted animal bones left by the dog lying around the outside of my house]. I let the dog in. Then I actually looked at the dog. She's not really a dog anymore: instead, it's more of a carrier for a mysterious looking and smelling black fluid that I can only hope is at least just some form of mud. I said "Fuck you" to the dog and got on the computer. Last time that fucker ever gets a bath.

Fact: My dog is a foul smelling bitch.

Xbox Live: Home of the Intellects.

2009-03-14T08:26:00.000-07:00

When I first started playing 360 online, I would listen to what was going on in the game chat. After a brief period of that, I now either play in a party with just people I know, or if no one's on I'll just take the headset off. I think I'd rather masturbate with two meat cleavers than listen to those fucking intolerable idiots.

It isn't even the fact that Live is full of people saying anything they can to try and offend you, I can handle that, but it's that they completely fail in every way at doing so, and they execute it in the most annoying ways. If you're going to make fun of someone, go ahead, but only if you can manage to do it without tripping over your words and nearly choking to death on your own fat fucking tongue.

Then there's times when someone gets a completely lucky kill and can barely keep themselves from shooting their load while they send me a message (which looks like a second grader typed it) trying to establish their deluded belief of dominance over me and anyone else in the game. Here's what I'm talking about [this kid would shoot as many noob-tubes as he could in the direction of our spawn-point at the beginning of the game]:

My reply: "How's illiteracy working out for you?"

His reply:
My reply: "That's what I thought, you drooling idiot." He didn't reply after that.

People send my friends and I retarded shit like this all the time. They will send you some douchbag comment that only makes themselves look worse than they already do, and when you send them something back that puts them in their place: silence. Not only are they absolute idiots, but they're absolute pussies too.

Fact: People like this on Live need to at least accumulate an intelligence higher than that of a brain-damaged meth addict before they can even begin to say shit to me.

Firefox: The Computer Illiterate's Favorite Scapegoat.

2009-03-12T17:13:00.000-07:00

First and foremost, computer illiterates manage to be hilarious in their inability to understand concepts that I was able to grasp before I was even in preschool, yet they also, more often than not, just make me want to mace them and shit in their shampoo. [Note from Vince: "Shampoo, you're gonna be sayin' poo every time." Drum roll, applause.]

One thing I've noticed about computer illiterates is that, for some reason, Firefox is the root of all evil in their eyes. There have been multiple instances of me being the Nice Guy and bestowing upon someone the gift of knowing that Internet Explorer can be beaten to death and defecated on by Firefox. After telling people of this glorious truth, what do I get? "No thanks, I'd rather just get gang-raped and pissed on by a steady downpour of pop-ups which are complimented with I.E.'s memory-hogging-asshole. Firefox just seems like a waste of my time." My blood pressure literally increased when I wrote that. Not even kidding.

Here I am being especially benevolent and trying to help people trade in their buggy, half-assed, bucket of horse semen named Internet Explorer for something with a built in spell checker (which if you even attempt to tell me you don't need, I'll fucking punch your jaw right off your goddamn face), that takes up less memory, is updated frequently, and is one of the safest browsers available (for you dumbasses that can't help but download anything that a webpage tells you to). You're trying to tell me that I.E. is the better choice? Wait here, I'm getting a gun.

Another thing that I see happening frequently is when these people blame Firefox for all their problems. For instance: I installed FF onto my mother's laptop because I was trying to be a good son for once, and then guess what happens? About a day later I find out she deleted it because "It made my internet too slow." ...Get the fuck out of here.

I asked her, "SO DID IT HELP WHEN YOU DELETED IT?" "No." "EXACTLY."

There have been numerous other times when I've heard Firefox's name taken in vain by people who have computer issues and can't think of anything logical to explain them, so they just reach up their ass and pull out, "It was the Firefox that gave me a virus!"

Give up your primitive I.E. and evolve to Firefox. Why willingly torture yourself?

Fact: Don't blame Firefox. It's not the reason you can't find your common sense: that was just never there to begin with.

My Watchmen experience.

2009-03-10T19:04:00.001-07:00

So I went to see Watchmen in theaters tonight. If you don't know what Watchmen is, you're living under the biggest rock on the planet and your life is devoid of all meaning. If you haven't read the novel or seen the movie, you might as well stop breathing right now.

I got to the theater and received my tickets. When I went to get in the movie, it was still being cleaned up so we weren't allowed in for a while. After a few minutes we got in and sat through about a half hour of commercials. There were some I didn't mind, like the Terminator Salvation one, but then they were showing shit like some horrid Kid Rock video about the Army, or some shit. It's bad enough to have to listen to that piece of shit spew his filth into my ears, but it makes it even worse when he's spouting lyrics about "If you don't want to fight, get out of the way!" in an attempt to guilt me into thinking my status as a civilian is a shameful one. Yeah fucking right, get off the goddamn screen, you idiot. And last I checked Kid Rock isn't out in Iraq 'fighting the enemy'. Give me a fucking break.

But after that, there were only a couple more commercials and finally - after all the time I'd been waiting (not just the half hour) - I was greeted with the beauty of the opening of Watchmen. I won't turn this wholly into a review, but I'll just say that I can't remember the time any movie has been this good. I was sporting a rock-hard erection the entire time, caused by the sheer greatness of the film. It's quite faithful to the novel, except mainly for one part (any readers of the book and see-ers of the movie know what I'm talking about), but I felt that the change was better than what it originally had been. There was not one moment that I wasn't thinking, "This is so fucking good". It's a damn masterpiece.

All that said, there's a reason I avoid watching things in theaters: idiotic people. Now, my viewing wasn't as riddled with retards as some other times that I've been at a movie, but there were moments when I almost had to saw someone's neck open with a rusty butter knife. Most notably, there was some prick that laughed unreasonably loud EVERY FUCKING TIME Dr. Manhattan's dick was on the screen. Whenever there was a glimpse of the blue glow-stick, it was followed by a bellowing dumbass laughing like a drooling fucking speed-freak. The first time it happened I was not amused, but I tried put it out of my head and enjoy the movie. This was very difficult to do with this piece of shit crapping his pants every time he saw a penis. Sure, I laugh at dick jokes sometimes, but this fucking idiot nearly had a heart attack laughing at a cock as if he were a 10 year old girl seeing one for the first time. I hope that man, whoever he is, gets shot in the throat and emasculated as punishment for being a worthless, brain-dead chunk of putrid bile.

Then some fat dickhead in suspenders left before the movie ended. He looked like the type who can't comprehend anything other than the prospect of drinking cheap beer and growing corn. I almost chased after him and axed him in the back of the head, but the movie was more important and saved the disrespectful twat's life.

Not much else happened (other than seeing the greatest thing to ever hit the big screen). Went to a restaurant afterwards and the waitress totally wanted me - not much surprise there. Then I went home and sat down on the computer. You know the rest, methinks.

Fact: Watchmen is an unfathomably wonderful movie, and I could fill oil-tankers with the amount of semen I shot during my viewing of it.

YouTube, you sick whore.

2009-03-10T19:03:00.003-07:00

So I was looking through some of my videos on YouTube and I went into Insight (it tells you details about how your video was found, your demographics, and shit like that). It was then that I knew that YouTubers are a some sick little boys. Here's some searches that got my videos found (considering these resulted in my videos popping up, it kind of reflects on their content, but let's just pretend that the people searching are the sick ones and not I, the videomaker. K?):

chloroformed [apparently, there's a whole fetish for this. Guess I shouldn't be surprised, though. I looked and there's actually "Chloroform montages" and the comments have people being like, "Ooh, yeah. I want to be chloroformed and kidnapped. It would be SOOO hot!" Interesting.]

chloroforme [Chloroform for failures]

snot rocket

prothetic arm

girl monkey pee [???]

sperm machine

diarrhea

persian stereotypes

eating snot

chloroformed under the shower [Here we go again.]

bleeding snot

anal bleeding

defecating

clarinet crying [...?]

earshot strap down and heavy [HOW?]

transvestite

cod4 how to do rpg strape [Alrighty then.]

girls giving a donkey's head [The obvious nature of this search combined with the interesting choice of grammar makes it an good one.]

blame blue glasses [What the shit is this?]

donkey punch clip.. punch in the head [Thanks for your clarification.]

And last, but certainly not least; eat sperm little girl.

Fact: I'm glad the internet is buffering me from you people. Jesus fucking Christ. The fact that these came up with me as the result makes me look like a pedophile or something. Of course, I'm too young to be a pedophile. THAT COMES LATER! Harharhar.

Nice to meet you! I want to kill you in your sleep.

2009-03-10T19:03:00.001-07:00

Ever meet someone and immediately know you dislike them? Something like that happened to me today. Here's what went down:

So my ride says, "What's-his-face is gonna ride with us," and somehow, with my amazing brain, I had a vision of a dirty, crack-head-looking, shit-wad being our passenger. And what would you know? I was fucking right. The guy walks up and, I'm not even exaggerating in the slightest, there is fucking dust and dirt covering this prick. Yeah, he had just gotten off of work (don't know what he does, but it's obviously uncleanly), but he hadn't even made the smallest attempt at cleaning it off. My first impression was, "Wow, what a dirt-bag tool," but I also thought maybe I was jumping the gun, so I tried to withhold final judgment for the time being. The guy got in the car.

"WHAT'S UP, FUCKOS?!" was the first thing out of his mouth. My jaw clenched and I already knew this guy was a complete cunt. Even if this is the first article of mine that you've ever read, by now I'm sure you realize I enjoy incorporating curses into my writing. So it may sound hypocritical of me to look down on someone else for cursing, but this piece of utter shit had no sense of swearing-etiquette or style of saying the words. I curse casually in regular conversations, and I curse excessively to show anger in my own burlesque sort of way. But this guy: Every other thing out of his mouth was a poorly executed obscenity following another, topped off with a sort of lisp and a horrible New-York-esque accent that made my blood pressure increase by the second. Within a few minutes, I wanted to pull out some piano wire and strangle this motherfucker hard enough that his neck was severed in the process.

"MOTHERFUCKING COCKSUCKING CUNT WORK. I FUCKING GET THE FUCK OFF OF FUCKING WORK AND SHIT AND FUCKING HAVE TO FUCKING WAIT IN THE COCKSUCKING FUCKING SHITTY FUCKING CUNT COCKSUCKING FUCKING CAR AND SHIT FUCKING COCK-" This is an accurate example of what it was like having this fuck-wad in the car. I'm not even kidding when I say I wanted to take this guy's head and smash it into a brick wall until his face became unrecognizable. For the entire time he was in the car, he laced every single sentence with any bit of filth that rolled off of his grotesque tongue and at the same time unrelentingly treated the driver as if she were sub-human and he was the King of Everything. How lucky he was that I did not posses a Desert Eagle to spray his brains out onto the windshield: he will never know.

And I'm a generally accepting kind of guy. I try my best to be non-judgmental in everyday life, and I even give second chances sometimes for people to redeem themselves with; so it takes a lot for me to automatically want to rid the planet of someone. How this guy hasn't been drawn and quartered by now, I have no clue why. The fucking shit-head.

Fact: If you act like this: let it be known that I will now begin carrying, at all times, a skinning knife for the sole purpose of cleansing the planet Earth from the scum of you fuckers.

The Shower That Wouldn't Be Hot: A Lifetime original movie.

2009-03-10T19:02:00.000-07:00

When the sun goes down and it begins to get late, it becomes time for me to take a shower. This time of the year is cold as Hillary Clinton's vagina, so when I shower I look forward to the hot, steamy, loving stream to bring my body temperature to at least above freezing.

This fantasy is beaten, raped, and shit on every fucking time I lift the knob and turn it to Hot. It doesn't fucking matter how long I sit there and wait for it to warm up, it's going to stay cold for as long as it takes me to finally give in and subject my naked body to its freezing fucking temperature.

As soon as I'm in, I try to wash myself as fast as I can to get it over with, but I usually only make it about 30 seconds before I punch the shower's fucking knob and angrily whisper in a murderous tone that I will kill its family if it doesn't warm up the shit-wad water. It never works, though, and all that is accomplished is that I'm not only cold, but livid and homicidal. If my shower were a person, there's no telling how savagely I would curb-stomp the dick-riding fuck-hole into oblivion.

On the other hand, perhaps it's my water heater that I should be taking this up with. Who knows? I sure as shit don't, but it's getting to the point where I don't care what inanimate object I have to curse and spit on or how many times I have to do it; I just want some fucking answers.

The icing on the cake is when, after I've finished washing my hair and body completely and am about to get out of the shower and dry off, the water starts warming up. I CAN'T FUCKING DESCRIBE THE ANGER IN ANY WORDS AVAILABLE FROM THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE WHEN THIS HAPPENS. FUCK.

Fact: If you hear about the discovery of a mutilated shower and water heater with their heads cut off and pieces of their body strewn about all over the place; you'll know why I did it.

CoD4: Modern SHIT THAT MAKES ME WANT TO FUCK SOMETHING IN HALF.

2009-03-10T19:01:00.006-07:00

Sometimes I completely love Call of Duty 4. It has brought me many good memories of headshots, grenade kills, knifing sprees, and other ways of killing people. There are other times, however, when playing it online makes me want to crawl through the internet and kill someone with my dick.

I'll be playing the game, minding my own business, when all of the sudden I get noob-tubed from ACROSS THE FUCKING MAP. (For those of you who don't know what that is, it's a grenade launcher attachment that can be put on some guns.) No skill whatsoever needs to be involved in noob-tubing; just point it to the sky, fire, and luck takes it the rest of the way. Congratu-fucking-lations -you're a piece of lucky shit. Random grenades are also irritating, but not as much as when someone is stalking around corners with the fucking grenade launcher and blowing up anything that fucking moves. Even if you kill them before they blow you up, there's been a shit-load of times when I kill a noob-tuber and they manage to shoot it off right before death, killing me. Fuck you all.

Oh, and guess what? P90 is fucking garbage; feel free to use it, but don't fucking brag about how good you are at the game when you get a couple kills with the P90, cause anyone can spray and pray. The .50 Cal is for failures too. I can't tell you how much rage builds up inside me every time I'm in a no-scope sniper fight and some twat-hole whips out the .50 Cal and spazes on the trigger like a fucking epileptic. GOOD JOB, DICKHEAD: you got a no-scope with a semi-automatic rifle; I'm sure there's never been another prick who could pull that shit off!

And as repetitive as it is, because I sure as hell am not even close to being the first person to say this, but fuck little kids online. It's blood-boiling enough to be ridiculed by someone who just killed you, but it's a completely different level when it's an 11 year old cocky prick that squeals like a raped pig every time he gets a kill. These are, more often than not, the same kids who noob-tube and Frag x3 the ever-loving-fuck out of the goddamn game. Kids like these make me believe that not only should abortion be kept legal, but it should be doctor recommended.

(As a little side note; some people just have douchebag-esque voices and should never be allowed to speak. If you're one of those people, remember to add a little cyanide to your cereal in the morning. Thank you. :] )

Another thing that I sure as hell am not alone in hating is Juggernaut (increased health). It's even worse when combined with Last Stand; making anyone you're shooting at seem to take a fucking year and a half to finally kill. Juggernaut pisses me off the most when I'm sniping. I'll get a perfectly clean shot at someone that normally would have killed them instantly, but NO; fucking Juggernaut saves the day for the giggly-little-faggot. It's even gotten to the point where I shoot the same kid 3 times and the Juggernaut symbol pops up every time and the kid gets away. What the shit-fucking dick is that about?

I think I've ranted enough for the time being, but this rant will most likely be added to. Just keep in mind that if you do any of these things in the game a lot: you are a complete and utter failure at life in general, and are a wretched pest to society.

Fact: Every time you noob-toob I'm going to skull-fuck you until you go blind, deaf, dumb, and defecated.

This is for you, jerk-off customers.

2009-03-10T19:01:00.005-07:00

So, somehow, I've ended up with a job at a grocery store. My main two tasks are as follows: bag people's groceries and round up all of the carts and bring them back to the entrances. I will now display my hatred for mankind.

First off, it seems like almost all white-trash rednecks have some sort of compensation issue with the weight of their groceries, because whenever I have to bag for them all I ever hear is, "Ya'll can pack it heavier than that, buddy." Every fucking time, they perch themselves over my shoulder and closely supervise every single object that I place into the bag, approving them all to be carelessly clustered together to fit inside of the plastic bag that can barely contain them. I'm also not supposed to pack bleach and other things that would be poisonous if consumed with food (for obvious fucking reasons). Well apparently hillbilly goat-fuckers are immune to that kind of thing, because they just sit there and say, "Just throw that in with the lunch meats." This is all a great example of natural selection at its finest.

On a side note; I fucking hate reusable bags. Sure, it's nice that people use them to try to cut down on global pollution, but they're a fucking bitch to pack things into sometimes, and if there happens to be too many items to fit inside of the bags, forcing me to fall back to plastic bags, I get a fucking death stare from the customer. I always return the stare with a nice blatantly fake smile with "fuck off" written all over it.

And that brings us to carts. If I came in my pants every time I caught a piece of shit shopper leaving their fucking cart in the middle of the parking lot, my penis would be shooting its load at a fully-automatic rate of fire. For some reason, it's way too much of a pain to walk their goddamn cart three fucking feet to the designated area. Fucking douches. Whenever they notice that I caught them in the act, they just put on a forced friendly smile and flee the scene in their shitty run down minivans. It's also lots of fucking fun playing "Get the Fuck Out of my Way" with cars that like to park directly in front of the nice big "NO PARKING" sign that was put there specifically for me to be able to return all of the carts without having a fucking obstacle course to deal with on the way there.

I do these things for usually eight hours straight, and every minute is just another step closer for me towards a homicidal spree of murder and scat-chucking. Long story short: I despise my job, and it has further deepened my rage for the human race.

Fact: If you ever want to hate people; get a job that involves dealing with them.

I was not built for work.

2009-03-10T19:01:00.003-07:00

Ten things I'd rather do than go to work:

1.) Get mauled to death by a pack of hungry homeless men.
2.) Drown myself in a pot of boiling cat piss.
3.) Inhale nails into my lungs and run a marathon.
4.) Play Russian Roulette with a loaded RPG.
5.) Paper-cut my jugulars open.
6.) Shit out flaming grenades into a toilet filled with gunpowder and gasoline.
7.) Read the bible.
8.) Get married.
9.) Jam spikes into my eyes and jump out of a plane.
10.) Dive into a waterless pool filled with hypodermic needles and copies of High School Musical 1 and 2.

Fact: My brain has died.

Guess who's not cool? You.

2009-03-10T19:01:00.001-07:00

So, the day after New Years, I was looking through bulletins on myspace because I had nothing better to do. I ran across a bulletin posted by some girl who used to be in my class. I clicked and read the following:

"WTF i wake up on my couch. with an empty bottle of xanax and 2 empty bottles of liquer. i have no clue how i got home., or when i passed out.
holy shit."

And then:

"i'm hungover as shit comes.
and i don't remember anything past 10.
:/"

And then...:

"NEVER GO TO SCHOOL DRUNK LOL. Made it five feet in the door, hit a wall. Got caught.
suspended for 10 days, academy. maybe expelled.
grrrrrrrrreat yo.
so uh who wants to chill for the next two weeks?"

First off, if her parents are actually going to let her "chill" after that shit, then WOW. If I had a daughter who pulled something like this, I'd reach down her throat, rip out her swollen liver, and smack her with it.

I'm not anti-drinking, but there's a point where you should look at yourself and say, "I'm going to be dead before 30." And if you're too stupid to realize that, then you deserve to die. So, I know some people who deserve to die.

If you're going to get drunk, get drunk. Don't drink after that, because all that's going to happen is you'll pass out, not wake up for half of the next day, feel like shit when you do wake up (in a puddle of puke), maybe puke some more, etc. So basically, if you would just get a nice buzz and enjoy it, it would pay off a lot more than drinking everything you can before you pass out. It makes fucking sense.

Fact: Drinking after you're drunk is dumber then braille on a drive-up ATM.

The boy who lacked discipline.

2009-03-10T19:00:00.002-07:00

So. The other day I was sitting around just browsing the internet (re-reading my whole page again and shitting myself laughing at how funny I am), when a small boy tugged on my sleeve and asked if I would tell him a story. So I told him some tales about when I was a Guerrilla sniper at the mall last week. I told him how silly people look when their arm flies off. I told him all about the fun you can have with some napalm and a tar pit in the middle of American Eagle. I explained how to properly choke someone into unconsciousness, that you should always go with headshots (unless you're feeling a little ambitious), and how to silence a gun by just drilling a few holes in the right place!

After I was done telling him all the important things he needed to know in order to be a man, I looked down to see the little boy had shit himself. "BAD! BAD BAD BAD BOY!" I yelled as I hit him over the nose with a rolled up newspaper. "Looks like someone needs some house training!" I declared.

So I kicked him down a flight of stairs, and into my basement. I locked the door and told him to think about what he had done. After a few days I remembered he was down there. I opened up the door and threw down some soggy kibbles and toilet water. When the boy was finished eating I told him it was time for his training to begin.

I led him out into the cold snow blasted landscape outside in nothing but a pair of whitey-tightys. I hooked him up to my sleigh and had him take me into town. When he asked me why I was doing this I hushed him into silence with a nice crack of my whip. When we finally arrived in town, I let him drink from the troth outside of the Rite-Aid. I went inside and bought 43 cases of cough syrup, some cotton balls, a clown pocket, and some C4. I paid for the items and went back to my boy powered sleigh. With just a couple beatings, I got him back on his feet again and we went home.

For the next few months I taught him everything I knew about transcontinental domination, and how to make it work. Sometimes, if he did really well in his daily training, we had fun days where I just let him cook me some happy dusk and hope he didn't blow himself up! It only happened a few times, but in the end, it was all worth it. I mean, what price can you put on good quality crystal "candy".

After about a year of intense brainwashing, he finally was ready to be released back into the world. I took his collar off of his neck and told him "Go home Lassie!"

I believe his kill count is in the double digits now.

Fact: I'm going to be a fantastic father.

All who oppose me shall fall into self failure.

2009-03-10T19:00:00.001-07:00

Recently, a lot of foolish simpletons have been attempting to undermine my divine authority. Just the other day, some kid tried to mouth off to me for whatever reason. He tried his best to pierce my impenetrable ego with his near vomit inducing hip-hop lingo and insults, with the cherry topping of a wigger accent to die for (I literally wanted to kill myself after hearing him speak). It went something along the lines of "Yo punk ass mothafucka! You be trippin' to dis shit an' get yo face popped off, ya heard?" It was so pathetic I didn't even feel the need to kill him instantly, so I just waved my hand and gave him cancer.

The fact that these are our generation's future makes me want to end my life right now. These people cannot be allowed to live, it's just not right.

I never quite understood the logic behind the idea that it's cool to act and sound like a drooling, impoverished, dumb piece of shit. It just doesn't make sense to me. Why? It REALLY does not make you look cool, and I'm dead fucking serious about that. All you gain from acting like a twat in oversized clothes with Down syndrome is people mocking and laughing at you. Maybe they somehow get off on being a self-embarrassment. Who knows? I'm just trying to help you. Well, not really. I'd rather see you get hit by a car than to help you, but that's besides the point. People like this need to keep their heads out of their asses and realize that, yes, your shit does stink. It stinks horribly actually. I can smell it all the way from here, and it's so pungently disgusting that I can smell it through the internet.

Some of you may be saying, "Well your shit stinks too, mister smarty pants!" Wrong. I had a surgery to correct that years ago. My shit does not stink. In fact, it smells like beauty and passionate sex, in a masculine kind of way. You see, while some people might be able to speak highly of themselves with sayings like "I'm so damn fly/pimp/cool/hot/ghetto/athletic/insert other bullshit here," I myself am able to go on for hours upon hours about how good I am. You should know that by now, I've dedicated a whole website to that fact (a free website mind you, meaning I get the chance to advertise to the world my greatness without having to pay for it out of my own pockets. That's just how great I am).

Fact: I only get aroused when I look in the mirror.

Roller shoes are fucking annoying.

2009-03-10T18:59:00.001-07:00

So I was at the grocery store today. As I'm going down one of the isles, I see this kid. Suddenly the little shit darts forward and glides away like the little fairy he was. At first I thought I was high or something, but then I remembered; it's those fucking roller-shoe-things. Goddammit, there are few things that piss me off more than those little bastards running around in those things. They think they're so damn cool with their little pseudo-rollerblade footwear. Makes me sick.

Once, I had a dream that some kid was gliding away like a little fruit down the road and got hit by five oncoming buses. I woke up after I realized I had ejaculated in my boxers. That's how much joy it would bring me to see that. Not that I'm a necrophiliac or something (as far as the government knows), but it would be so awesome to witness such justice.

I even remember when those fucking things came out in like third grade. All the kids had them and I was the only one who took a stand and said "You're all a bunch of twats," as I curb stomped them with my titanium steel boots. I'm a bad ass motherfucker, always have been, always will.

Fact: The next kid I see using roller shoe things gets their teeth knocked out.

Edit: They're called Heelies, or some shit, apparently. Even worse.

If you're too fat to wear it - don't.

2009-03-10T18:57:00.000-07:00

So I was at the fair today being bored out of my mind. While I'm roaming around looking for something to do that I won't be charged for (financially or criminally) I looked through the crowd. It was the normal mix of whores, wiggers, hicks, annoying little prepubescent tools trying to act cool, and other assorted scum. The thing that bothered me even more than the usual was the amount of fat chicks wearing tight clothes and belly shirts. Why? Just why? Do they think they can make up for their weight by wearing jeans 8 sizes too small?

Do you think you're sexy? Cause guess what: You're not. It's downright repulsive. When I'm scanning for women I shouldn't have to see your fat drooling out of your clothes. I could lose the ability to maintain an erection, and we don't want that.

When did these wannabe whores decide this was a good idea? It's not. Some people may be thinking "But it's not their fault they're fat. They can't help it." First off, maybe laying off the constant fast food binges topped with midnight fridge raids and accompanied by the absolute minimal amount of exercise you get would help a little. And if that doesn't even help then guess what you can do? Wear clothes your own damn size. Better yet: wear clothes larger than your size. That way we can guarantee I won't have to see more than I bargained for.

Sure, you can say I have no place to talk since I've never been fat in my life. I'm just trying to limit the suffering through awareness. And sure, some people dig fat chicks trying to look like their skinny slut friends. But I don't. So think of the children and stop wearing tight clothes. It makes sense.

Fact: I hate whores, fat or not.

This is the internet, not the hood.

2009-03-10T18:56:00.002-07:00

The next time I see someone trying to act gangster on the internet I'm going to personally track them down and teabag them until they can't breath. Yes, I will literally suffocate them with my balls. That's how dedicated I am to freeing the world from these fucking tools. Nothing says "Hey! I'm a dumb shit!" like trying to act ghetto on the fucking internet. Do they actually think people read their unintelligible text of rambling horse shit and go "Uh oh. Better not mess with this guy. He's so hardcore he might smoke me. For real." (Not to mention that mycrib is a breeding place for these vermin to spread.)

If you were really from the ghetto you wouldn't be on the fucking internet you wannabe-delinquent. When confronted with this most e-gangsters pull the "But that's just how I talk. Why are you making fun of me?" (That's not actually how they would spell it; I'm just saving you from being exposed to their stupidity). Just because you like to talk like you have 50 Cent's cock in your mouth in Real Life doesn't mean you should type like that. There's nothing more annoying than when you fuck-buckets try and act cool by replacing ers with as

Twat #1- "yo playa!! i jst caped sum mufuckaz azz homboi."
Twat #2- "awww hell naw!! datz sum hrdcore shyt rite ther dawg LOLz!!
Twat #1- "RoTFFLFMCAO I NO NIGGA. DAT MUFUCKA WUZ ALL TRIPIN N SHYT SO I DUN FUKED DAT BICH UP NAAMEAN???
Twat #2- "das ma dawg rit ther. <333"

That's what the average e-gangster chat looks like. They also commonly misspell "gangster", because if it's not bad enough that they put in the "a" instead of "er", but they are also completely oblivious to the fact that there are two gs in the word. This is probably bcuz they b way 2 gansta 2 wrry bout spelin n shyt LOL!

For example: One day I was on World of Warcraft (yes I play that game and it kicks your ass, so before you head off on your little "LOL, WoW is for nerds with no lives LOL" bandwagon you can shut it and go whack off to your football magazines) when I saw a level 30-something guy walk by with the name "Bloodgansta." So my friend and I whisper him and ask if he actually thinks he is a Blood. To our delight, the tool goes "Ya yo." (He would say yo about ten times in a three word sentence.)
So after a little while of having our fun with the poser we asked "So do your 'homies' know you play WoW?" No response. After about ten minutes we sent him another message (what we said I can't really remember). His razor sharp reply was, "Ya wack yo LOL." I laughed for a good half hour and moved on to other things. Our pal Bloodgansta is a fine example of a complete e-gangster idiot.

Unfortunately the problem only grows worse by the day, as even more idiots discover computers and raise my blood pressure with their stupidity. What we need to do is start banning all wannabe-gangsters from the use of the internet and computers in general. This is the only way to help all of our IQs from dropping even more so by reading their idiotic repetitive slang ridden posts.

Fact: E-gangsters should be denied their lungs.

Are you the greatest person ever conceived?

2009-03-10T18:56:00.001-07:00

A lot of you are probably thinking, "Gee, I wonder if I'm the greatest person ever conceived." Well I'm going to help you find out with one easy question:

1.) Are you me?

If you answered "Yes", then indeed, you are the greatest person ever conceived. Congratulations!

If you answered "No", then I'm pleased to inform you that, no, you are not the greatest person ever conceived. In fact, you suck at life if you're not me. Yes, I know the truth hurts. Feel free to take a moment of your time to sit back and think about how great I am and how you will have to come to terms with that. I know that right now you're probably thinking your life is pointless since you're not me. True, but don't beat yourself up about it. Enjoy your life knowing that someone like me is alive to make this world a better place. Wondering what you can do to contribute to my well-being and slightly increase your life's value? Send me as much money as you'd like to (and you'd like to send me everything you have). I even accept one dollar bills! Hey, I need something to wipe my ass with, right? Please refrain from sending any form of change in coin form since coins do nothing but piss me off because of their worthlessness. In fact, anyone who sends me coins will be forced to watch "Whale Rider". Normally I'd just assassinate you, but watching that movie is far worse than death.

Now you might be wondering, "What makes you so special?" (Simply asking that nominates you for the "Idiot of the Year" award). I'm so great that when I walk into a room, babies cry. Not just because they fear for their lives (which they damn well should), but because they are shedding tears of joy caused by being in the presence of someone as divine as myself. I kick so much ass that I can make women have orgasms by just waving my beautiful hair within a 50 yard vicinity of them. I'm so damn awesome that as you read this sentence, my face is being printed on every major currency (that's not in coin form) in the world. People will be so enthused by seeing my stunningly handsome face on their money that I won't even need to be within a 50 yard vicinity from them to cause a spontaneous orgasm. I shit grizzly bears and piss gasoline. I am the greatest person in the history of mankind and everyone knows it. Especially me.

Fact: I win.

Late night TV sucks.

2009-03-10T18:55:00.002-07:00

Seriously. It sucks more than Paris Hilton, and that's saying a lot. How fucking hard is it to put something decent on TV at night? Yeah sure, the Girls Gone Wild commercials were a blast - when I was 9 years old and would bust a capillary every time I saw a tit or something resembling a tit. Now they're just annoying. They use that annoying Caribbean-esque music for every goddamn commercial, complimented by the "CENSORED" blurbs covering all female goodness. Besides, who the fuck actually pays for porn these days? I mean c'mon, the internet is so overflowing with free porn for every imaginable fetish out there that it's almost scary. Only idiots actually see these commercials at 2:30 AM, rush to the phone trying not to trip and snap their boner on the way there (yes, that is possible), give their credit card number, and wait a week for an overpriced repetitive video teeming with dumb whores getting shitfaced and flashing their tits. How anticlimactic can you get?

And if it's not the Girls Gone Wild, it's the fucking infomercials. Jesus H. Christ, just shoot me now. It's always the same damn idiots selling the same damn shit with the same damn selling techniques. They always have some product that you apparently can't live without because it's such a bargain and so groundbreaking. Chances are, if I've lived this long without it I probably don't need it. They always try to make the "old way" of doing things look so much more difficult than it actually is. Example: they'll show some crappy black and white video of some stupid sweaty blond girl trying to cut celery, but it's just not working! Thank god they invented the "Amaza-blade!" Now I can slit my wrists without all the hassle!

And then we have MTV. Not that there's anything worth watching on the channel anyway, but if you thought it couldn't possibly get any worse: you were wrong. How the fuck do they still retain their title of Music Television? All I see are shitty shows like "The Hills," "Date My Mom," "The Real World," and other shows that make me want to stick my head in a fucking oven. The only time they actually do play music is late at night when I'm desperately searching for something to entertain me while I wait for sleep deprivation to finally kick in and knock me out, and the music is terrible. All they keep playing is this horrible shit that makes my ears bleed. It's all the same shitty mainstream pop bands and shitty "rock" bands (I added parentheses around rock because that's just how they were somehow titled. Calling them rock is an insult to actual musicians who don't manufacture horse manure in form of a CD,) and some shitty rap song by Kanye West or some other piece of shit trying to pass himself off as a good rapper. Fuck you all, you're ruining my ears with your terrible music.

The most amusing thing I've seen late at night was some random show called "Celebrity Daredevils", and even that let me down in the end. I was in anticipation: hoping and waiting for one of the "celebrities", whom most of which I've never even heard of, to get hurt or die. The first one was some model that lit herself on fire on top of a building. If she'd have caught on fire, panicked and jumped off the building I probably would have came in my pants. But no, she didn't even get hurt. Now after that I was pretty disappointed, but next up was Dennis Rodman (I think that's his name, if not: sue me.) He was going to ride a car off a cliff and get pulled out by a wire and dangle in the air or something. The car went over, he got pulled out by the wire and I was almost in tears of disappointment because he made it out unscathed. But then something wonderful happened! In the middle of screaming "OH YEAH! OH YEAH!" I heard the announcer guy go "Oh no!" I looked up to the TV just in time for the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen: Dennis Rodman smashing face first into the side of the cliff and getting knocked unconscious. That time, I actually did cum in my pants. The next guy had to jump over some cars on a motorbike and blah blah blah. Sadly, he made it across the jump fine and lived. Then he was interviewed next to his really hot wife (who I could tell totally wanted to bang me by the way she was looking into the camera). Overall it was still a disappointment even though I got to see someone get their face smashed against a cliff.

The bottom line is that TV is sucking enough already and late night TV is getting worse than cancer.

Fact: Insomniacs, crack heads, and alcoholics have hearts too. At least give them something entertaining to watch.

If you're on mycrib, chances are you're an idiot.

2009-03-10T18:55:00.001-07:00

For those of you who don't know, www.mycrib.net is a rip-off of www.myspace.com. Both have their fair share of dip-shits, but mycrib seems to have won in the idiot category. I have yet to meet one person on there who has the ability to finish just one sentence in the English language correctly. I know people make typos, and I'll forgive you for using abbreviations like "u" or "g2g" during instant messaging, but when you actually have time to type out even the simplest fucking thing and you choose not to; I'm going to shove bamboo stakes up your fingernails until you get it right. What's even worse is the amount of dick-weed jocks and wannabe gangsters constantly begging for nudes from girls on there. I almost want to chop off my dick and feed it to a starving horse because people like that make it a disgrace to even call yourself a man.

Just for shits and giggles, I made a fake account on there and put a picture of a girl with huge jugs as the default picture. Within ten minutes I had 15 pages of friends requests, accompanied by hundreds of 3 word messages consisting of "hey mamii w/u," "hey ther sexii," "wnna traede nudez," "hye wazzup hottii?" etc, etc, etc. When the fuck did people start replacing Ys with double Is? What is that shit about? If I ever find who started this oh-so-intelligent trend I'm going to poison their water supply and make them eat McDonald's everyday, just in spite. Now a lot of you might be thinking "Wow, how much time do you have on your hands to be doing these types of things?" The answer: all the time in the world.

One of the funniest parts of this is all the 12-14 year old kids trying out their "smooth moves" on me. I swear to God, these kids actually think they're cool. One of these kids' default picture was him wearing a black bandanna in a wife-beater showing off his ever so badass BB guns. I'm sure all the girls who see that picture just flat out sprint to his page in a blind lust for his masculinity. And let it be known that he was the definition of a 24/7 lady's man; the message he sent to me was dripping in smooth relentless sexual power, and it is as follows: "heyy babii. i wana make sweet luv 2 u." Oh my motherfucking God, don't tease me any further, Mr. BB Gun Man, just fuck me NOW!

The sad part of this story is they keep asking, so they must be receiving, and chances are the pictures they're fapping to are probably sent by another guy. It's also pretty fun to see how much shit you can say when people think you might send them nudes. It's incredible. I called a guy a faggot about 17 times until he mustered up the balls to say "im not gay!! i thikn ur beutifull!1" Bravo man, bravo, but I'm still not sending you my fake e-tits that I stole from google. Seriously, I was able to work some other dude into a frenzy of raging testosterone by not answering any of his messages. The mail that actually was able to catch my attention went something like "WTF BITHC U THINK UR BETER TEHN ME?!?! WUT FUCKIN BULLSHIT IS THAT SHIT!! jEESS CKRIST WTF IF U DONT WNNA TLAK TO ME JUST FCUKIN SAY IT THIS IS BULLSHIT." To which my response was, "Lern 2 spel okkk?" My words of wisdom must have tamed this beast of a man, because his reply was something like, "SRY BABii I WAS IN A HURY WEN I WAS TYIPING THAT. I DONT NO WUT IT IS BOUT U BABii U MAEK ME SO MADD BUTT TEHN U MAKE MEE FELL SO GUD ITS LIEK IDK ITS JST WIERD IDK lOL." Wow, Shakespeare over here sure has a way with words and all caps.

Then you have the pseudo-intellectual, socialy-retarded guy who always wears a suit thinking girls actually go "Wow, he looks like a 23 year old pig living in his parent's basement that whacks off to interspecies erotica, but DAMN; that suit really wins me over." This is the type of guy who will type a thirteen page message with things like "Hello beautiful, and welcome to Mycrib! I would just like to inform you that you are the most loveliest girl I have ever seen blah blah blah. *thirteen pages later the ass kissing finally ends*" Shut up you boring pint of cat piss, I'd rather read mail from the 12 year old illiterates than read that long winded attempt of getting e-pussy.

Yet another amusing game is putting a voice comment box on my page and seeing if anyone is dumb enough to leave a message. The winner of biggest idiot award goes to a man with the clever handle "EZ Money." I'll try to spell his voice comment the same way he said it: "Yo disiz EZ Money leavin' ya ya fust voiyce cumment aight holla back." Translation: "Hey, I enjoy talking like I have three tons of shit in my mouth. Some of my other hobbies include pretending to be black and from the ghetto. I also enjoy not spelling things right because it's cooler to look like I tried to type using a semi-erect penis. Please leave me a comment on how attractive you find me and my dollar-store-bling. And send me nudes. Thanks."

Over the course of a few months the account got over 1.5k friends and got hundreds, if not thousands, of mail that looked like it was typed by a lobotomy patient. Sadly, a few months after I created the account it got deleted, most likely due to the fact that after a while I would send lemonparty to anyone who pissed me off, which was basically everyone. I'm sure that about 1.5k losers cried when they couldn't find me on their friends list, but then were glad they saved the pictures to their HDDs for convenient 24/7 fapping.

This article is not to say that you wouldn't find idiots on Myspace, but so far Mycrib takes the lead in stupid users.

Fact: You're not failing school because your teachers don't like you; you're failing because you're a dumb shit that uses Mycrib to e-date girls that don't exist. Lesson learned.

2009-03-10T18:52:00.000-07:00

Am I the only one who can't stand going to the mall or a movie theater? Not to mention on Friday nights. I'd rather sew my ass cheeks together and try to take a shit than have to walk through some crowded-ass mall bumping arms with some of the biggest dumbasses you could find. I swear to God, if I see another 12 year old skank deepthroating her wigger boyfriend on the line to see a movie, I'm going to beat them into submission with a bag of cat litter. That goes for you too, random groups of whores that travel in threes. Am I the only one who's noticed this? It doesn't even have to be whores, but just women in general tend to be in packs of three. Conspiracy?

They move in threes because that way when they trick a man into going back to his place for a foursome - that isn't going to happen - they can overpower him with greater numbers and steal more of his shit when they rob him (don't think I haven't figured it out, you tri-succubus; I'm onto you). That's why whenever you're getting ready for a night on the town you should always pack a standard issue combat knife, just in case they try to pull something. See them reaching for your wallet? A quick jab to the breast will put her in her place. You can thank me for raising your awareness to this issue later.

Many-o times I've almost fallen for the succubus tricks, but I always snap out of it before it's too late. For example; I was at the arcade grinding bricks with my bare hands and snorting the dust to display my masculinity when 3 girls walked up to me. My first thought was, "Oh cool! A foursome!" but then I quickly spotted their horns and realized, "Oh I see...It's a gaggle of succubus." I tried to keep my composure, not wanting them to realize I was on to them. "Can we have some tokens?" one of them asked whilst beaming at my crotch. BAM! They didn't even see it coming: knife right in the tit. They ran away screaming about something and I sat back and chuckled while I chugged 14 bottles of Jack Daniels, smashed them over my head, and snacked on the glass shards like they were potato chips.

Fact: People cease to realize my superiority until it's too late.

Let's get this straight:

2009-03-10T18:44:00.000-07:00

Although this is being posted on blogspot, this is not a blog. Confused? I'll explain. This is not where I will be taking literary excretory evacuations about the inane and trivial aspects of my life. I write articles, not blogs; this is just my base of operations. I am above everything in the world.

Enjoy.